I was most recently moved when I came to the realization that I was “fuckable”. Sounds like such a demeaning way to put it but it’s been a sort of an inside joke between one of me and my best friends. For many years, we have been joking about how neither one of is fuckable because we are both overweight. And we kept making plans to reach “fuckability” because we both know we are very sexual beings!
At the beginning of this year, I became a regular meditator. The insight of meditation broke down and revealed all the pieces and parts to my hang ups about my body! It became very apparent to me that I was more than just a physical body.
This breakthrough led me to an internal change. I started meeting lots of guys who wanted me. It’s pretty crazy actually. All my friends are shocked and inspired. They had all kinds of funny names for my “dead time”. It was like I was under an evil spell.
And I was! Even as someone who completely rejects stereotypes, I was caught up in some societal-bullshit-assumption-crap. When I had this amazing realization, I shot out a super-charged email to my best friend and mom- The subject line was “Adios media muthafuckas! ” And then I blubbered on about how I was going to go stab Barbie for all the years she stripped me of my sexuality and confidence in having relationships with men.
I always liked to think I had complete control over my identity. I didn’t even grow up with a T.V. But the truth is, I had it STUCK in my head that dudes only pay attention to slim women. At times, I even thought other slim women didn’t truly like me because I was overweight. How superficial, right?
I remember an article in the NYer about a man who gets through all the stages of Scientology and when he gets to like the final level where ultimate truth is supposed to be revealed to him, somehow he has a breakthrough in that he realises that whole belief system is a farce! That is the level of intensity that I feel my break through is. I feel like broke through some brainwashing shit.